Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
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I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.