Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
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Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
how to have fun when you’re poor
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me