before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
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SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.