me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
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My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Not all heroes wear capes….
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum