If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
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Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes