Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
You Might Also Like
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Cheers Twitter.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.