Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
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My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.