We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
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I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.