Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
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My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
went fishing caught a bass
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Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
No one:
London landlords:
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I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
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I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene