Donating blood today to make room for more food
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My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
The three genders.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.