I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
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So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
The fall of Netflix
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.