You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
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I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I’m awake but I object,
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.