Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
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[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it