Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
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This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.