My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Important reminders
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.