Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
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son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I want this so bad
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.