Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
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My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.