[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
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If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
The real reason evolution started..😂
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
My inexpensive home security system…
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”