If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
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*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
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satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.