You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
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If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone