You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
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I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Lmfaoooooo
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.