if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
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You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
My diet starts in January
of 2027
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
If you are reading this then you are reading this
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.