I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
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A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*