If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
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*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Education is vital
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.