You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
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Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is