I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
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My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat