The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
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Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.