#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
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GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?