customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
You Might Also Like
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.