The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
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I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works