me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
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What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Happy Star Wars day!
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Stonehinge
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.