I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
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this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Just parrot things
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.