*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
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Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word