This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
You Might Also Like
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
😂💯
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.