Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
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My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.