I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
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Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions