I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
![]()
You Might Also Like
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
![]()
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
![]()