Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
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If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
But that’s none of my business
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”