Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
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My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Me: I have a headache tomorrow