@Mike__Lee
@pixelatedboat Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
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@pixelatedboat 
@MamaFizzles My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
@DirtMcTurd [Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
@DirtMcTurd God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
@WashedUpTweeter Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
@DanLaMorte 21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
@MatCro NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
@redditships I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
@andrewmpearce *lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
@JessObsess Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow