Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
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I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I hate my earbuds.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.