There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
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Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
nice challenge
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.