I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
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My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you