I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
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You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE