I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
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When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.