I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men