If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
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Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I wish this was real life…
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all