babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
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SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Alexa: *deep breath*
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Software Development ⛵️
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
new year update: losing everything but weight
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?