I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
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I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
What if all the cashiers are married?
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae