I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
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Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Thursday Thought.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
File under excellent bookstore names.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods