*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
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kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED