Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
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Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
estão todos miauvindo?
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really