I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
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*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
is this a warning or an offer?
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.