my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

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I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.


Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.


Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?


1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos


Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!


I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!


constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one


My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.



— Centipede parents


When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.