@kevinthedad

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

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@amburgklur

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

@SuperRandomish

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

@Robski_Boy

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

@JasonLastname

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

@wendchymes

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

@pauleggleston

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

@roastmalone_

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

@OneFunnyMummy

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

@daemonic3

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

@Boleyngirly

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.