@amburgklur I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
@kevinthedad my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
You Might Also Like
@amburgklur 
@SuperRandomish Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
@Robski_Boy Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
@JasonLastname 1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
@wendchymes Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
@pauleggleston I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
@roastmalone_ constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
@OneFunnyMummy My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
@daemonic3 “KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
@Boleyngirly When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.