my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
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My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I am, perchance
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?