Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Oh no
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]