Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
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A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
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ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.