Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
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I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
lmao
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month