Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
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1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”